Review – Uma by Je Joue
Uma is a high-end rechargeable vibrator by luxury sex toy company Je Joue. It is marketed mainly as a G-spot vibrator, but also boasts that it can be used for “internal, external or G-spot pleasure whether together or solo”. It is a gently curved vibrator designed to “to match the contours of a woman’s body perfectly” and is made from a rigid body covered with smooth silicone. It is intended to be at the very top end of the sex toy market and therefore holds itself to high standards.
Uma comes packaged in a long, glossy black and white cardboard sleeve with the Je Joue logo, a product image and some multilingual blurb. Under this sleeve is a much more rigid and sturdy cardboard box which is very minimalist: a lovely matte-textured black with the logo again. The lid is easily removed to show the Uma sitting aesthetically in an indent above a compartment in the box that can be opened with a ribbon handle. This compartment contains the charger lead and a small instruction booklet. I will personally be keeping my Uma in the inner box because it has a space for the charger, is not too big for storage and it is lovely and sturdy.
Aesthetically, Uma itself is also first-rate. It looks really sexy in an understated way. It is minimalist and classy and looks sensual and unintimidating. It hasn’t got visual bells and whistles, but that isn’t the look that Je Joue are going for. Instead, Uma looks sophisticated in its simplicity. Coupled with the feel of Uma, this really does make me properly lust after the toy. It is gorgeous to stroke and, due to the quality silicone, is very smooth and silky with very little drag on the skin. The silicone makes it body-safe and the smoothness, with no mould lines whatsoever, makes it very easy to clean.
Uma is seven inches long and varies in width from around an inch in diameter at the narrow ‘bridge’ of the vibrator to about 1.5 inches at the thickest part of the head. The base is a little larger, but is unlikely to go too far inside you. As mentioned above, Uma is rechargeable, meaning no fuss with batteries, making it more eco-friendly. It recharges for about two hours of usage time in around two hours through a charging lead which magnetically attaches to Uma’s metal buttons.
This, however, is where Uma falls down. In my first-impression notes for Uma I genuinely wrote this: “OH DEAR GOD THE FUCKING BUTTONS!”
I really did. It’s really very clever that they’ve turned the buttons into a charging point, but this makes them almost unusable as actual buttons. These are the same buttons that Epiphora raged about on the Je Joue MiMi where she wrote:
Sounds brilliant, only THEY ARE FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE TO PUSH. Without fail, I always have to push the plus button more than once to turn the damn toy on, often while steadying the toy with my other hand. […] You cannot depend on this toy to respond when you are at the brink of orgasm and want to bump into a higher setting; nor can you depend on it to turn off when you need it to, like if someone walks in on you masturbating or if your cat decides this is a great time to venture into the fireplace.
And she’s right. You can’t. There’s also a very articulate and accurate discussion of the buttons (again on MiMi, but they’re the same buttons) here at the Kinky World blog. I completely failed to turn it on on the first go and then couldn’t change the speed on the first try either. And, after all my extensive testing on this toy, I still can’t change the pattern using the middle, non-metal button with any kind of reliability. To turn the toy on, you hold down the + button for three seconds, which basically means you press down for dear life until it finally starts buzzing. It’s the same to turn it off, except with the minus button, so here’s hoping you don’t have to turn it off in a hurry.
The buttons are just really hard to press (to the point that they leave an indent in my finger) and although I’ve now got it to the point that I can press them OK when using the toy on my clitoris, using it internally is a nightmare. You can’t see them well, can’t get a decent angle and you can’t hold the Uma well enough to get the strength to push them. I have to stop what I’m doing, take Uma out, hold the slender ‘bridge’ part, press the button hard and then put it back in again. That’s just not going to work for many people and it barely works for me. This is not a toy for those with bad joints or weak hands. Don’t even start me on the IMPOSSIBLE pattern button.
What is the point of having a toy with such a pleasurable and versatile range of speeds and patterns (we’ll get to that and more pleasant lands in a moment) if you make switching between them during play nigh impossible? I’m lucky. I’m fairly straightforward in my tastes. To masturbate I generally turn a toy up to a decent speed for me and leave it there. When I’m ready I’ll bump it up to highest speed and then that’s it. Orgasm. Done. Off. If you’re someone who likes to take their time and explore a range of speeds and patterns, if you’re someone who likes to change things up during play and vary what the vibrator is doing… good luck to you. It is NOT easy.
Plus, being a toy you can insert and especially one made of silicone, chances are you’re going to want to use this toy lubed up. You’ll want a decent amount of lube, since silicone tends to ‘drink’ lube, and it’s possible the handle-area might get fairly slick. Try to avoid this like the Black Death. You think those buttons are difficult to press already? Try it when they’re slippery and so are you.
It’s a real shame that the buttons really, really suck, because they’re the one thing stopping this toy from being a vibrator superstar.
The vibrations are really good and I personally find even the first level of vibration to be very decent. Its speeds are strong and it provides a pretty deep rumble even on the lowest level, which thankfully remains rumbly even on higher speeds. The vibrations can be felt all throughout the toy, which makes it rewarding from several angles, but may irritate you if you don’t like feeling the buzz in your hands. It is also pretty quiet, especially for its level of intensity, and in our tests could not be heard through the bedroom door.
Uma has five strengths, though its booklet and a couple of online reviews claim it has seven, which you can use with any of the seven patterns, making for a total of 35 different vibration combinations. The patterns are actually fairly boring, however, one continuous vibration (default), one rising and falling scale and the rest are just pulse patterns of varying speeds and lengths. If you love pulses, this is for you. If you prefer your vibration patterns more varied and exciting, not so much.
As you can see, the little red heart (cute) on the front of the base flickers when you change modes, but does not pulse to match the pulse mode you are on. I have tested some pretty awful vibrators that do this and it’s a helpful feature, so it’s strange that Uma doesn’t incorporate it.
Uma is designed to be used internally as well as externally and to find the G-spot. I’m a bit of a novice when it comes to the G-spot, I admit, but I did find it very pleasurable internally and I was able to stimulate both the deep reaches of my vagina (which I very much like) and my G-spot. Uma’s rigidity and its very light weight makes it very easy and fun to thrust as hard as you’d like and to be precise with your movements. The vibrations obviously feel less intense internally, but are still strong enough to be felt very well inside you. It feels wonderful inside and the shape of the toy seems very suited to the body, or at least mine.
Clitorally, Uma is awesome. The notorious buttons are much easier to operate like this than internally (though still not easy) and, in terms of pleasure, it is a joy. The vibrations are wonderful and the head of the toy is shaped well for both stimulating the labia and more precise focus on the clitoris. It is wonderful to be able to stimulate my clit at a bit of a remove from it but still have the same ability to apply pressure and direct the sensations due to Uma’s rigid shape. What’s more, I love being able to close my thighs hard around the vibrations and still get precision movement by using the body of the vibe as a handle.
Uma is very versatile in that it can be used for deep penetration, on the g-spot, on the pussy lips and on the clitoris with varying levels of intensity. I even really enjoyed gently clamping my nipples and using Uma on them to produce a great sensation. It is also wonderful for using internally and then slowly pulling it out, wet with juices, onto your clitoris. In this way (as opposed to the button way), it’s usage is very flexible as you can switch from internal to external stimulation on a whim.
The versatility and quality continue in that Uma is also waterproof, meaning you can bring it to the bath and the shower and play there. Because it is so light, it will even float to the surface if you drop it. Uma works well in the water, although it is harder to use internally, I found, as you should only use water-based lubricant on silicone, which means that the lubricant you can use won’t work well in water. You will have to rely more on your own juices for lubrication.
Uma by Je Joue is a very high-quality luxury vibrator with incredible aesthetics. It is silky smooth yet rigid and its shallow-curved shape is slim and seems to suit my body well. It is completely body-safe, made of lovely silicone, rechargeable and therefore more eco-friendly, waterproof, lightweight and very versatile in its uses. The vibrations are strong and rumbly and it does very well when used both internally and externally, whilst staying respectably quiet. It comes with a number of speeds and patterns to suit various tastes. It feels really, really good and certainly gave me strong orgasms in various ways.
There are only two things stopping me from shouting Uma’s name from the hilltops and recommending that you buy one right now: the sodding buttons and the price. The buttons really are horrible to use. They’re hard to press, even harder when the toy is inserted and all but impossible when slick with lube, they hurt your fingers, they give insufficient feedback and they just make it really darned hard to actually use and enjoy the vibrator, especially if you want to take advantage of the various speeds and patterns.
For £74.99, a substantial amount to spend on a sex toy, you expect near-perfection. Quality, yes. Luxury, yes. Long-lasting. Silicone lasts a lifetime with minimal care. You expect that the toy will not only look and feel great but that it will be well-designed and function with ease. Uma does not function with ease. I love Uma and hate its buttons. I’ll keeping this toy and I’m sure I’ll use it regularly, but would I buy it? Perhaps not, for the price. That button blunder is the only thing preventing me. If you have arthritis, weak wrists, other problems or just generally can’t be having with bullying your vibrator controls into submission, possibly give it a miss. If you think you can cope with those buttons and love the sound of the rest of this toy, you might want to splash out on this otherwise high-quality and wonderful vibrator sold by Lovehoney. ♦