What Is This, I Don’t Even
♦ You might remember me ranting to you recently about jelly sex toys and why they are completely horrendous. Well, my housemates and I went into town just recently and discovered some vibrators that are a different kind of horrendous altogether.
Heck, you might have even seen me commenting on my Twitter not too long ago taking the mickey out of the product descriptions of some sex toys (mostly vibrators) with a hashtag I call #StupidSexToyBlurb.* We don’t even need to get to the blurb stage here (though, fuck it, I will). These products alone are awful enough as it is.
Now, admittedly, we weren’t in a sex shop. This wasn’t, like keyboard cat comments, serious business. This was the “adult” section of the kind of shop that sells lava lamps, slankets, head massagers, scraper foil, magic tricks and rubber dinosaurs all at once. I suppose in a shop selling basically tat (though admittedly I did buy some tat because I am a big child), I should have expected tat.
And I did, but this was pushing it.
Nestled in amongst the penis drinking straws (don’t judge too soon, shops like Ann Summers and Lovehoney sell this stuff too y’know) and giant breast pillows were two sets of boxes that drew my eye:
OK, so the first one is likely to be something you’ve seen before (we’ll move on to that terrifying second one in a moment), I think I’d vaguely heard of the concept, but really? Really? A chocolate vibrator?
Well, no, not really. It’s not even got the balls to be actual chocolate. By ‘chocolate vibrator’ we apparently mean ‘rubbish brown piece of plastic that might vaguely smell of chocolate’. I don’t think I understand. It smells of chocolate? What’s the point of it smelling of chocolate? Am I supposed to be using it on my nose? You do realise that the nose and the vagina are actually quite far apart, right?
Why on Earth would someone make a basic plastic vibrator and have it smell ‘like chocolate’? Well, let’s have a look at some of that blurb (told you) after all and see if we can glean anything, shall we?
“What do women love? Sex and Chocolate!”
Ah, right. Incidentally, do you carry any vibrators that also function as working guns?
Of course, of course, it is a truth universally acknowledged that women like chocolate. If I had to think of the two things off the top of my head right now that women love, it’d be sex and chocolate. It wouldn’t be, say, love and happiness or acceptance and success or friendship and peace or maybe sex and hope or I don’t fucking know because we’re not a hive mind. Of course, it’d be really hard to make a vibrator out of any of those, so resorting to a lazy stereotype that rings with a sort of marketing-truth is probably a lot easier. After all, the materials for love and happiness haven’t really been pinned down yet, so our best hope for a pair of things-women-love that could be made into a sex toy material is when carbon nanotubes allow us to make vibrators made out of Win and Future.
But I digress (into SCIENCE!)… What the fuck is going on with that second one?
I mean to write a post soon about vibrators with faces (as well as glitter, gems and gawd-awful girliness), but this is really taking the biscuit! This isn’t a cute little disturbing-in-its-own-way mushroom man face like the one sadly under my rabbit vibe, this is a full-on I-will-kill-in-your-sleep-and-wear-your-skin-like-a-cape face. It looks like a cross between Ghostface and Dr Frankenfurter.
WHY WOULD YOU PUT THIS NEAR YOUR VAGINA?!
As if it isn’t bad enough that I will be having nightmares about that face tonight, the vibrator also talks and it seemingly isn’t too happy about it. To quote from the box: “Usually he’s your friendly, faithful servant, ready to do your bidding, but sometimes…………. he’s just plain grumpy!”
Because that’s what you want. That’s what you really need. Oh, hey, I feel like having my inanimate (dear God, I fucking hope so) objects berate me for using them tonight, let’s get the talking vibrator out! Because what I really want is for my vehicles to sexual satisfaction to resent me as a person.
And grumpy he is. Here’s the four phrases that lucky lady is going to hear every time she opens the box:
“Go away, I’ve got a headache” – No. No, you don’t. Nor are the voices telling you to kill, kill. You’re a sex toy, you don’t get to decide you don’t want to make me come.
“Mmm, you’re looking cute tonight, honey” – Your skin looks great on you, but it’d look better on your bedroom floor…
“Hell, can’t you get a real man?” – WHAT.
Nearly every single website that mentions this product goes on about how this is such a great gift for a friend. With friends like that, you would not need abusive psycho-bitches, I can tell you. What kind of friend gets another friend a maniac-faced vibrator that has a 25% chance every time she uses it of telling her that she will, essentially, die alone and unloved? Ooh, yeah, baby, my inability to find a man gets me so hot! I get so horny thinking of my own feeble inadequacies!
Worse than that, this fucking sex toy is making the wonderful assumption that women only use vibrators because they can’t get ‘the real thing’. Because, of course, the myth that to own sex toys is to fail at flesh and blood relationships and therefore your purpose in life as a woman (to find a man, naturally) is really one that needs perpetuating. THANKS, MANUFACTURERS.
So, to sum up, Winter is Coming and the festive season is drawing near: why not buy a nice gift for that special woman in your life? She’s bound to be grateful, patronised or terrified at the thought. Just so long as it’s not me. I was bloody freaked out enough by Lilarcor the mad-but-harmless talking sword in Baldur’s Gate 2.
Of course, if anyone is still actually thinking they’d make an acceptable gift for someone you genuinely like (how?), then please, do yourself and them a favour and go spend the exact same amount of money on this instead. ♦
*Which I’m considering turning into a proper thing somehow, only I’m not entirely sure how. Ideas? If nothing else, I’d do something myself, but having others able to contribute ones would be great too. Or should I just stick to hashtagging Tweets? I just feel this kind of stuff needs to be ridiculed and that people’d find it funny to see some of the stuff they write!