What Is This, I Don’t Even

♦ You might remember me ranting to you recently about jelly sex toys and why they are completely horrendous. Well, my housemates and I went into town just recently and discovered some vibrators that are a different kind of horrendous altogether.

Heck, you might have even seen me commenting on my Twitter not too long ago taking the mickey out of the product descriptions of some sex toys (mostly vibrators) with a hashtag I call #StupidSexToyBlurb.* We don’t even need to get to the blurb stage here (though, fuck it, I will). These products alone are awful enough as it is.

Now, admittedly, we weren’t in a sex shop. This wasn’t, like keyboard cat comments, serious business. This was the “adult” section of the kind of shop that sells lava lamps, slankets, head massagers, scraper foil, magic tricks and rubber dinosaurs all at once. I suppose in a shop selling basically tat (though admittedly I did buy some tat because I am a big child), I should have expected tat.

And I did, but this was pushing it.

Nestled in amongst the penis drinking straws (don’t judge too soon, shops like Ann Summers and Lovehoney sell this stuff too y’know) and giant breast pillows were two sets of boxes that drew my eye:

OK, so the first one is likely to be something you’ve seen before (we’ll move on to that terrifying second one in a moment), I think I’d vaguely heard of the concept, but really? Really? A chocolate vibrator?

Well, no, not really. It’s not even got the balls to be actual chocolate. By ‘chocolate vibrator’ we apparently mean ‘rubbish brown piece of plastic that might vaguely smell of chocolate’. I don’t think I understand. It smells of chocolate? What’s the point of it smelling of chocolate? Am I supposed to be using it on my nose? You do realise that the nose and the vagina are actually quite far apart, right?

Why on Earth would someone make a basic plastic vibrator and have it smell ‘like chocolate’? Well, let’s have a look at some of that blurb (told you) after all and see if we can glean anything, shall we?

“What do women love? Sex and Chocolate!”

Ah, right. Incidentally, do you carry any vibrators that also function as working guns?

Of course, of course, it is a truth universally acknowledged that women like chocolate. If I had to think of the two things off the top of my head right now that women love, it’d be sex and chocolate. It wouldn’t be, say, love and happiness or acceptance and success or friendship and peace or maybe sex and hope or I don’t fucking know because we’re not a hive mind. Of course, it’d be really hard to make a vibrator out of any of those, so resorting to a lazy stereotype that rings with a sort of marketing-truth is probably a lot easier. After all, the materials for love and happiness haven’t really been pinned down yet, so our best hope for a pair of things-women-love that could be made into a sex toy material is when carbon nanotubes allow us to make vibrators made out of Win and Future.

But I digress (into SCIENCE!)… What the fuck is going on with that second one?

I mean to write a post soon about vibrators with faces (as well as glitter, gems and gawd-awful girliness), but this is really taking the biscuit! This isn’t a cute little disturbing-in-its-own-way mushroom man face like the one sadly under my rabbit vibe, this is a full-on I-will-kill-in-your-sleep-and-wear-your-skin-like-a-cape face. It looks like a cross between Ghostface and Dr Frankenfurter.

WHY WOULD YOU PUT THIS NEAR YOUR VAGINA?!

As if it isn’t bad enough that I will be having nightmares about that face tonight, the vibrator also talks and it seemingly isn’t too happy about it. To quote from the box: “Usually he’s your friendly, faithful servant, ready to do your bidding, but sometimes…………. he’s just plain grumpy!”

Because that’s what you want. That’s what you really need. Oh, hey, I feel like having my inanimate (dear God, I fucking hope so) objects berate me for using them tonight, let’s get the talking vibrator out! Because what I really want is for my vehicles to sexual satisfaction to resent me as a person.

And grumpy he is. Here’s the four phrases that lucky lady is going to hear every time she opens the box:

“Go away, I’ve got a headache”  – No. No, you don’t. Nor are the voices telling you to kill, kill. You’re a sex toy, you don’t get to decide you don’t want to make me come.
“Mmm, you’re looking cute tonight, honey” – Your skin looks great on you, but it’d look better on your bedroom floor…
 “Hell, can’t you get a real man?” – WHAT.

Nearly every single website that mentions this product goes on about how this is such a great gift for a friend. With friends like that, you would not need abusive psycho-bitches, I can tell you. What kind of friend gets another friend a maniac-faced vibrator that has a 25% chance every time she uses it of telling her that she will, essentially, die alone and unloved? Ooh, yeah, baby, my inability to find a man gets me so hot! I get so horny thinking of my own feeble inadequacies!

Worse than that, this fucking sex toy is making the wonderful assumption that women only use vibrators because they can’t get ‘the real thing’. Because, of course, the myth that to own sex toys is to fail at flesh and blood relationships and therefore your purpose in life as a woman (to find a man, naturally) is really one that needs perpetuating. THANKS, MANUFACTURERS.

So, to sum up, Winter is Coming  and the festive season is drawing near: why not buy a nice gift for that special woman in your life? She’s bound to be grateful, patronised or terrified at the thought. Just so long as it’s not me. I was bloody freaked out enough by Lilarcor the mad-but-harmless talking sword in Baldur’s Gate 2.

Of course, if anyone is still actually thinking they’d make an acceptable gift for someone you genuinely like (how?), then please, do yourself and them a favour and go spend the exact same amount of money on this instead. ♦

*Which I’m considering turning into a proper thing somehow, only I’m not entirely sure how. Ideas? If nothing else, I’d do something myself, but having others able to contribute ones would be great too. Or should I just stick to hashtagging Tweets? I just feel this kind of stuff needs to be ridiculed and that people’d find it funny to see some of the stuff they write!

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About Blacksilk

I'm a 26-year-old UK blogger in a committed monogamish relationship. I'm geeky, kinky and bisexual. I'd describe myself as a submissive who switches. Whilst I prefer submission, the desire to dominate occasionally takes me over. I just like being someone's little slut. I love being tied up, taken and toyed with.

12 responses to “What Is This, I Don’t Even”

  1. JillyBoyd says :

    I’m getting pretty sick of that “all women love sex and chocolate” trope. We love other stuff too! We’re not all clones of Carrie Bradshaw!

    Also, “Ever-Ready Freddy”….

    I can’t even…

    Great post, Silky :)

  2. Catharine says :

    I think my favourite things are sex and chocolate. Just not vibrators. Eating choc chip cookies in bed with a sexy man is a better way to enjoy both at once. And probably cheaper too, if the cookies are on special offer and ILB doesn’t charge me…

    I’ll admit, I’d probably buy the psycho taking vibrator for a friend if I saw it in Home Bargains. But I don’t have many female friends. There’s possibly a reason for this.

    • Blacksilk says :

      Heheh, yeah, some women probably *are* going to like sex and chocolate best and that’s fine, I just think it’s pretty awful to assume every woman will feel that way. Stereotypes can make for some good laughs, but they have to be used a little more dextrously than this vibe can manage.

      Cookies and sex do sound pretty fucking good, to be fair. Curse my diet!

      I don’t have many female friends either but since I wouldn’t buy them one of these I’m going to have to assume it’s my hideous personal failings instead. Yay!

      • Catharine says :

        Shite novelty gifts have to rely on some type of stereotype though, it’s quite interesting that whoever made these went for “women like sex” rather than the usual shoes and shopping and fluffy kittens. Although the joke vibrators were probably on the shelf next to mugs printed with rhymes about how important handbags are.

  3. Huff says :

    I wouldn’t presume to say what women love but as a man “sex and chocolate” are definitly in my top three. :D
    But you’re right about the face being a true nightmare. I’ll have to stop reading @aagblog after this. Every time she mentions her “vagina dentata” this image will flash to mind. :(

    • Blacksilk says :

      See, that’s the thing, *I* wouldn’t presume to say what women love either. Nor men for that matter. It’s just pointless to attempt to sum all of an entire gender up in this way. Of course, as a joke it’s fine, but then as a joke I also expect it to be funny.

      Besides which, we all know that as a man this company would totally have gone for sex and football (which seems to me to be even less universal than chocolate). Not that they’d have made a vibrator for that because men don’t use sex toys, *globviously*.

      • Inferno (@RedRegion) says :

        I am a man who dislikes football and can totally get where you are coming from on this because most “men’s magazines” try and blend football with sexually suggestive situations for advertising.
        On the other hand… my wife loves sex and chocolate.

        • Blacksilk says :

          Yeah, I remember my housemates and me taking a really kinda offensive “Is your son gay?” test recently to see how awful it was and one of the questions was “Does he like football?”. Because we all know that Real Men like football and only ‘poofs’ could be disinterested in a bunch of sweaty men kicking some leather around a patch of grass for an hour and a half.

          To be honest, I love sex too (obviously) and I admit that I like chocolate. Wouldn’t say I love it, I’ll eat it if it’s there but won’t go after it. But yeah, plenty of sex-n-choc loving women out there, of course (because they’re both delicious).

          I am a man who dislikes football and can totally get where you are coming from on this because most “men’s magazines” try and blend football with sexually suggestive situations for advertising.
          On the other hand… my wife loves sex and chocolate.

  4. Innocent Loverboy says :

    I’ll have to admit I did laugh out loud at some of this – particularly the hive mind comment. Marvellous!

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  1. 2011 – A Blog Retrospective « Blacksilk's Boudoir - January 3, 2012

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