I Don’t Think I’m Ready For This Jelly
Or, Why My Sex Blogger Licence Should be Taken Away and Jelly Toys are Evil
♦ I’ve come a long way, baby.
Back in the day, nearly two years ago in fact, I was reviewing my second toy for Vibrator.com. This was a strap-on called the Vivid Girls Designer Savanna Harness. At the time I was just beginning to experiment with my desire to play with gender boundaries and androgyny and genderfuck. I certainly still am now. So, I remember my main feeling at the time when trying to decide on what toy to review was excitement at getting to maybe review a strap-on and own my own cock. And, hey, if I met any nice girls…
So I was really excited about strap-ons, which may somewhat have clouded my judgement. Furthermore, I remember that my overriding worry at the time was finding something that would actually fit me because I’m overweight, not realising that quite a few decent strap-ons actually cater for bigger builds. Also, it was the past, so I was more stupid and less knowledgeable about toys then. I probably still need to learn a lot now.
I guess this is all a way of saying, forgive me? Yes, that’s right, it turns out that not only was the strap-on ‘dong’ (really, dong? I should have known) made from rubber but it also isn’t even phthalate-free. Oh, thanks, Doc Johnson, thanks a lot. I just sort of naively assumed that only really shit sex toys had phthalates (not knowing that Doc Johnson actually has quite a bad reputation among properly awesome toy reviewers like Dangerous Lilly). I should have checked.
I was recently linked somehow to Lilly’s post about jelly toys being dangerous, having missed it being published during my blog hiatus, and read a number of comments in her post from people saying they’d used jelly toys and experienced uncomfortable burning sensations or other strange complaints.
Suddenly, a scary penny dropped. I’ve used the dildo from the Savanna strap-on only maybe half a dozen or so times on myself over the couple of years (for which I am now exceedingly grateful), but the last couple of times I’ve used it I’ve noticed a weird and until now perplexing thing happening. It sort of burns.
I mean it actually feels all chemical and burny and it won’t go away unless I slather it with E45 and even then not for ages!
I didn’t think much of it at first because I’ve a tendency to use the thing at night when I should be asleep but can’t be until I come. Crush is sometimes asleep and so I’ve sneaked away once or twice for a quick one. I just sort of assumed that because I was in a rush and the dildo is quite big that it was hurting a little because I’d forced it in a bit fast and wasn’t quite ready. Now, having read reports from others, I know that it’s probably because JELLY IS FUCKING BAD FOR YOU and I’m an idiot.
It also explains why the dildo has recently picked up a couple of weird black lines on it from just sitting in the drawer.
As I’ve already told you, though, I found all this out through Lilly’s post, which I’ve said is brilliant, informative and much better at telling you what you need to know than this is. So why am I writing this?
Well, I guess firstly because I am fucking angry with the company for making it, with laws for allowing it and with myself for being daft enough to fall for it (as a sex blogger! I suck!) and then secondly because I do think that adding my voice to those others that say they’ve had crappy experiences with jelly will help. Maybe there are people out there who read this blog that still don’t know the dangers. Maybe you don’t read Dangerous Lilly (you should) or other sites that warn about this. Maybe like me you’ve had an old toy for years and not realised the harm it could and can do.
And also, of course, because this is a sex blog that I try and write honestly, so I fully plan to tell you about my cock-ups and sex suckiness when it’s relevant just as much as the awesomely hot sweaty naked bits (I’m so serious about this that I didn’t even hyperlink all that to past sexy posts).
I didn’t actually finish the review of the Savanna harness at the time because life suddenly got very hectic and because I had no-one to try the strap-on out on, but I’m now really glad I didn’t. I mentioned in the first half of the review (about wearing the harness) that the smell was really strong (another clue I missed), but I then gave it a pretty good review and I’m sure that I’d have only said nice things about the “jelly dong” at the time too.
So here I am, I guess officially renouncing that whole damn thing. The verdict is a while in the making but I’m here eventually: I will never put that thing inside me again and neither should you. The Vivid Girls Designer Savanna Harness is awful because it makes me burn and you should avoid it at all costs.
That said, I really suggest you go read Lilly’s thoughts on rubber if you haven’t. I mean, thanks for reading and all and I’m glad I’ve now said it and woken up on the matter, but she’s put it far better than I can and is far more knowledgeable about it.
After all, they should take my licence away for this. ♦