I Don’t Think I’m Ready For This Jelly

Or, Why My Sex Blogger Licence Should be Taken Away and Jelly Toys are Evil

♦ I’ve come a long way, baby.

Back in the day, nearly two years ago in fact, I was reviewing my second toy for Vibrator.com. This was a strap-on called the Vivid Girls Designer Savanna Harness. At the time I was just beginning to experiment with my desire to play with gender boundaries and androgyny and genderfuck. I certainly still am now. So, I remember my main feeling at the time when trying to decide on what toy to review was excitement at getting to maybe review a strap-on and own my own cock. And, hey, if I met any nice girls…

So I was really excited about strap-ons, which may somewhat have clouded my judgement. Furthermore, I remember that my overriding worry at the time was finding something that would actually fit me because I’m overweight, not realising that quite a few decent strap-ons actually cater for bigger builds. Also, it was the past, so I was more stupid and less knowledgeable about toys then. I probably still need to learn a lot now.

I guess this is all a way of saying, forgive me? Yes, that’s right, it turns out that not only was the strap-on ‘dong’ (really, dong? I should have known) made from rubber but it also isn’t even phthalate-free. Oh, thanks, Doc Johnson, thanks a lot. I just sort of naively assumed that only really shit sex toys had phthalates (not knowing that Doc Johnson actually has quite a bad reputation among properly awesome toy reviewers like Dangerous Lilly). I should have checked.

I was recently linked somehow to Lilly’s post about jelly toys being dangerous, having missed it being published during my blog hiatus, and read a number of comments in her post from people saying they’d used jelly toys and experienced uncomfortable burning sensations or other strange complaints.

Suddenly, a scary penny dropped. I’ve used the dildo from the Savanna strap-on only maybe half a dozen or so times on myself over the couple of years (for which I am now exceedingly grateful), but the last couple of times I’ve used it I’ve noticed a weird and until now perplexing thing happening. It sort of burns.

I mean it actually feels all chemical and burny and it won’t go away unless I slather it with E45 and even then not for ages!

I didn’t think much of it at first because I’ve a tendency to use the thing at night when I should be asleep but can’t be until I come. Crush is sometimes asleep and so I’ve sneaked away once or twice for a quick one. I just sort of assumed that because I was in a rush and the dildo is quite big that it was hurting a little because I’d forced it in a bit fast and wasn’t quite ready. Now, having read reports from others, I know that it’s probably because JELLY IS FUCKING BAD FOR YOU and I’m an idiot.

It also explains why the dildo has recently picked up a couple of weird black lines on it from just sitting in the drawer.

As I’ve already told you, though, I found all this out through Lilly’s post, which I’ve said is brilliant, informative and much better at telling you what you need to know than this is. So why am I writing this?

Well, I guess firstly because I am fucking angry with the company for making it, with laws for allowing it and with myself for being daft enough to fall for it (as a sex blogger! I suck!) and then secondly because I do think that adding my voice to those others that say they’ve had crappy experiences with jelly will help. Maybe there are people out there who read this blog that still don’t know the dangers. Maybe you don’t read Dangerous Lilly (you should) or other sites that warn about this. Maybe like me you’ve had an old toy for years and not realised the harm it could and can do.

And also, of course, because this is a sex blog that I try and write honestly, so I fully plan to tell you about my cock-ups and sex suckiness when it’s relevant just as much as the awesomely hot sweaty naked bits (I’m so serious about this that I didn’t even hyperlink all that to past sexy posts).

I didn’t actually finish the review of the Savanna harness at the time because life suddenly got very hectic and because I had no-one to try the strap-on out on, but I’m now really glad I didn’t. I mentioned in the first half of the review (about wearing the harness) that the smell was really strong (another clue I missed), but I then gave it a pretty good review and I’m sure that I’d have only said nice things about the “jelly dong” at the time too.

So here I am, I guess officially renouncing that whole damn thing. The verdict is a while in the making but I’m here eventually: I will never put that thing inside me again and neither should you. The Vivid Girls Designer Savanna Harness is awful because it makes me burn and you should avoid it at all costs.

That said, I really suggest you go read Lilly’s thoughts on rubber if you haven’t. I mean, thanks for reading and all and I’m glad I’ve now said it and woken up on the matter, but she’s put it far better than I can and is far more knowledgeable about it.

After all, they should take my licence away for this. ♦

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About Blacksilk

I'm a 26-year-old UK blogger in a committed monogamish relationship. I'm geeky, kinky and bisexual. I'd describe myself as a submissive who switches. Whilst I prefer submission, the desire to dominate occasionally takes me over. I just like being someone's little slut. I love being tied up, taken and toyed with.

15 responses to “I Don’t Think I’m Ready For This Jelly”

  1. JillyBoyd says :

    You can take my licence away too while your at it, seeing as I very recently bought a Doc Johnson G-spot vibe and it stopped working after two goes…. and I read Hey Epiphora religiously!

    I guess nobody should ever buy anything called a “dong”…

    • Blacksilk says :

      I think the thing about companies like Doc Johnson is that people accidentally end up thinking that “having a reputation” is the same as being “reputable”. I remember acting similarly. I assumed it was a good company because it made a lot of things and I’d heard of it quite a bit, sadly that doesn’t mean jack.

  2. JillyBoyd says :

    It’s not that bad, btw. Everyone has their moments with bad sextoys! God knows I had a lot of them in the past two years….

    • Blacksilk says :

      I know, it’s not the end of the world. Like Lilly says, so many people don’t know about this, so I can’t feel too bad about it. I’m just glad I didn’t use it often.

  3. Catharine says :

    I got sent a jelly one, the smell was pretty horrendous.

  4. Lilly says :

    The thing is…..how the hell were you supposed to know?

    I didn’t. I wrote one post at some point about our first sex toy purchases – hubs purchased me first a vibrator and then a dildo, both jelly. But this was like 7 years ago. We knew NOTHING. I used them, they were fine. Not well made, but oh well. There was no such thing as blog reviews. There were no sites for the stores that DO give a shit and if there was (I think GoodVibes was one we looked at) they did not have big flashing warnings everywhere about phthalates and jelly/rubber/pvc/vinyl and all the many chemicals in them. I bought a Doc Johnson iVibe rabbit that cost a fucking bomb – 1: jelly and 2: it started dying after maybe 6 uses. At some point I found it after we’d moved and the jelly overlay of material (inside was motors and beads and shit) had changed shape. It changed shape and looked stretched out and …… wtf happened to my vibe?? Scary.

    There are no warnings on the packages. Of course there’s not.

    When I was the one purchasing toys and I’d get one that smelled odd I’d dislike the smell but yet not think much. I had NO CLUE about porous vs non-porous. When I was first reviewing I’d by then read enough to know that jelly was gross but I hadn’t yet really known WHY. I just knew that it smelled bad. VibeReview sent me a toy that they hadn’t listed on their site as being rubber; it stunk to high heaven and I wouldn’t even put it inside me. The stink rubbed off on everything.

    Sex toy users are starting to become a little bit more aware but the basics are this: Most sex toy buyers do not want to drop upwards of $75+ for a sex toy. It’s scary. Especially when you don’t know if it’ll work for you. Its not like clothes, you can’t return it for poor fit. So people buy the shit toys, and because people buy them……companies like Doc Johnson, CalExotics, Pipedream, and other smaller places that aren’t branded are going to continue to crank out the porous chemical-leaching shit. Because people will buy it. Imagine if there were only high-priced silicone toys. The sex toy industry would collapse!!

    There are now toys that are being called jelly or rubber or cyberskin WITH A LABEL on the box proclaiming they are phthalates-free. Ok, fine. No Phthalates. I may or may not believe them. They marketed and sold us that shit to begin with, why should I trust them? But what they don’t tell you and what is ignored is that phthalates is not the sole harmful chemical. It’s the big culprit, but it’s not the only one.

    There’s numerous sex toy reviewers and bloggers who review jelly. It’s becoming less, but some do even know the risks and don’t care – they don’t have a reaction and haven’t yet, so they’ll continue for themselves. Beginning sex toy reviewers who are given a budget of free toys will usually pick jelly things and then give glowing reviews – they had few budget-friendly choices and they want to continue reviewing (or they truly don’t know the risks and actually liked the hunk of junk the first two times they used it before writing the review).

    This is why I want to do sex toy education workshops somehow. But even then, I’d only reach a small handful of people who aren’t internet addicts like us. If I could write a book and get it published, I would. But I’d probably get sued for slander with all the foul things I’d say about certain companies. You’d be surprised how many people just don’t know and may never know.

  5. Blacksilk says :

    “The thing is…..how the hell were you supposed to know?”

    I guess that’s true. I dunno, I kind of think that I should have been more clued up if I’m writing a blog, but I suppose that doesn’t mean a lot. I mean, maybe I do know more about sex than the average person, but then the average person probably doesn’t know an awful lot and certainly not about the intricacies of sex toy materials.

    “The stink rubbed off on everything.”

    That’s actually one of the reasons I never finished my review. I had no girls to use it on and in the end I couldn’t even fuck Fractal’s mouth with it because he refused to do so while it smelt that bad. Now that looks like a really sensible decision.

    “You’d be surprised how many people just don’t know and may never know.”

    Yeah, I guess that’s one of the reasons I wrote this. I mean, you’ve said it better than me or your site and you have tons more traffic than I do, but you never know, if just one person reads it here first I’ll have done a worthwhile job.

    If people knew more and talked more about sex and sex toys to begin with, so many things would be better and that’s pretty much why I started this blog in the first place, just as somewhere where it’s OK to talk about that kind of thing because real life doesn’t have that atmosphere.

    Anyway, thanks for such a detailed comment and for being maybe even a life-saver with your post about this. I’m so glad I read it and wish I’d seen it sooner. Thanks.

  6. LoneWulf says :

    Hmm! jelly is bad. just got through saying my friend has jelly toys. Okay, at least I can forward the link you posted from Jill’s post.
    I’ll read more into the referenced blog to see if it’s some jellies or all jellies.
    Thanks for the heads up on this!

    • Blacksilk says :

      Jelly is pretty damn bad, yeah. It might not actually cause you pain like mine did to me, because it won’t affect everyone that way, but it is just bad for you anyway. It’s cheap and nasty and chemically and icky and not the kind of thing you want to put into delicate areas. I’d switch to silicone if you can.

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