This and all photos below are clickable to embiggen

If you haven’t already read this, go and do so now. Trust me, it is required reading for this post. To refresh your memory: Molly took Sam on a lovely date and took some photos for her blog. The result was ridiculous and hilarious and sparked quite a lot of comment. Molly proposed a project. She’d send Sam on to other interested bloggers and each would have a date with him and take photos before passing him onto the next lucky, lucky candidate. Well, guess what? I’m the first stop on the world tour.

So, what the hell should I do with him when he came to me? I racked my brains for a little while and realised very quickly that in a shared house in the middle of the city, there wasn’t a lot I could do about going on a proper date with him anywhere without having to answer an awful lot of questions. Well, that rather limits it to my bedroom. Ooh…

Less of a date and more of a one-night fuckfest for my dear Sam then?

Hmm, well, from what Molly said, he wasn’t up to much in that department. So what to do? The thought then hit me. I was in a Blue Moon Dom mood anyway and Crush was lurgified for the umpteenth time this winter. I knew what I’d do. I’d take my filthy, dominant perversions out on my inflatable friend. Crush should be grateful he was ill after what I’d get up to!

The first step in my domination, not a usual one for me, forced feminisation…

It turns out I do actually own that much pink stuff when I really look for it. I added a little bondage, control and sensory deprivation to the mix…

The Mindfold is a genuinely brilliant blindfold that I really recommend, actually. Please don’t judge it based on its model!

Heck, he was even light enough to string up at my door, despite being a little too short to reach the ground…

 Sadly, Sam’s limitations as a submissive partner soon became more and more apparent…

 No mouth? Hmm. OK, well, that’s not the only tool in my sadism bag (now I want an actual sadism bag). Let’s try something else.

Oh. OK, so those nipples are pretty useless too. Buggery. But buggery didn’t work either…

OK, OK, fine. Now Sam was really beginning to wind me up. And winding me up when I’m in a sadistic mood is not so much a good idea. He was going to get it now. I was going to bring out the toy that for him would be a real challenge to submit to. It’s one of my favourites, in fact. I love it used on me.

Sadly, things quickly took a turn for the worse for Sam…

Don’t worry. He’s fine really! I am a dab-hand with that pinwheel and there was no way I was going to puncture him unless an earthquake hit. I’m practically an expert! Right, so that’s why in all that business I didn’t puncture him but did manage to make my thumb bleed then? Yes, that’s probably about right.

I’ll spare you the picture.

So, yes, that was my date domination session with the fabulously floppy but fearless Fireman Sam! I’ll be bringing back to his owner Molly at the Erotic Meet this Friday coming, where he might even make it out of his box and do a bit of networking himself! Either way, I’ll be passing him on to his next date and you’ll be able to read and see more of his adventures soon.

I hope you enjoyed this post. It was a bugger to make, but a joy to do. When you’ve dressed an inflatable fireman up in your knickers, you do kind of wonder what you’ve done with your life, but it was oh, so worth it. Thank you, Molly, for the opportunity, thank you, Erotic Meet, for introducing all of us to Sam and thank you, everyone, for reading. ♦

The Throb is made by Tantus, who just happen to be my favourite sex toy manufacturer so far. They have a reputation for quality, both in materials and in pleasure, and they really have a passion for what they do. So when I received the Throb for review, I was thrilled. It’s only my second Tantus toy, but I had high hopes. I have not been disappointed.

The Throb came in packaging that will be very familiar to anyone who has bought a Tantus toy before: a clear plastic box with minimal decoration and inside that a clear plastic clamshell containing the toy. It’s simple and iconic, but not decorative other than that it shows the toy off very well. Personally, I like the style of the Tantus boxes, but they aren’t for everyone. The packaging is not over-sized for the toy and although mine split down one side, I usually find the Tantus boxes very sturdy for storage.

The toy itself is an interesting one: part realistic dildo and part fantasy sex object. Though it is modestly-sized (at just over 5″ insertable length and just under 1.5″ diameter) and has some anatomical features, it also comes with uber-emphasised veins and ridges intended to please lovers of texture. The Throb is made from Tantus’ 100% ultra-premium platinum silicone, making it non-porous, body-safe, sterilisable and also ensuring that it is very high-quality. The finish of the silicone is matte, giving it some drag over skin (more than the Je Joue Uma‘s silicone).

The Throb looks fantastic and very obviously designed for pleasure. I admit, despite reading the specs, I had actually expected it to be a little bigger, but it makes up for this with an anatomic head complete with urethra and also with, of course, those wonderfully stylised veins. They’re like the veins on an ordinary cock turned right up to 11.

There is a slight ‘pop’ to the Throb’s head as it enters my pussy, as the glans is somewhat pronounced. The firmness of the silicone compared to a real cock (or, indeed, Tantus’ O2 material) makes this pop more noticeable, but pleasant. As for the shaft, you can really feel the veins inside you both as they slide in and as they sit there. These veins are not just for show and they are really what makes this dildo what it is. Slowly sliding the dildo in and out centimetre by centimetre feels absolutely wonderful. This is my first truly textured dildo, but I do believe that lovers of texture will very much enjoy the Throb’s throbbing veins.

The Tantus Throb is flexible and can be bent without distortion, enduring a fair amount of abuse. The silicone can pleasingly squished in the hand but it remains firm enough to do its job. It keeps its shape well within the body and can certainly be felt. I certainly feel that for masturbation, the toy is not too flexible. Whilst the Throb is fairly subtly curved and not very rigid, the head and the veins of the toy always seem to easily run along the front/upper wall of my vagina as I thrust with it. This feels great. And, coupled with being fairly short (meaning that I can’t indulge my urge to have it really bang up against the depths of my pussy), this means it feels wonderful on my G-spot and is really very good at making me come.

Now, this isn’t a dildo for filling you up. It does feel good just being inside me when I give myself a clitoral orgasm and you can clench around it somewhat, but it isn’t big or thick. I do wonder whether the veins might feel even better with a bit more girth behind them to push them against your pussy walls, but they do just wonderfully as it is.

Being silicone, it’s also very good at carrying vibrations. One of my favourite things to do with the Throb is to put it inside me all the way and then press my Ideal massage wand against its base. This sends vibrations all the way up the shaft and seems to make its head flicker back and forth inside me, which feels brilliant. The fairly thick base of the Throb is also big enough to press up against the bottom of my clit, making vibrations reach me clitorally too. This makes for a wonderful combination.

The large base also makes gripping the Throb very easy, but I did occasionally find my hand cramping up on it, so be aware of that. It also makes the Throb safe for anal use and capable of being used in a strap-on harness. I just got my first harness very recently and the Throb was the first toy I’ve tried in it. I didn’t get to use it on anyone except a Fleshlight, but I admit I am a little worried that its flexibility might make it hard to use strapped-on. Also, I’m fat, so I’d probably find it a little small for me. And, to be honest, although I like the look of the Throb, I don’t like how it looks as “my cock”. Please be aware, I’m very new to strap-ons, so take all this with a pinch of salt.

CONCLUSION

The Tantus Throb is an absolutely fantastic dildo, simply put. Though I question it slightly as a harness toy, it is wonderful to use on myself or with a partner in non-harness play. It is incredibly high quality, sterilisable and is made of wonderful body-safe silicone (please NEVER use silicone lube with your Throb, as it may damage the toy). Though the ridges and veins do collect a lot of internal juices (which makes this a great dildo if you enjoy your own taste, as I do), I found it very easy to clean.

What’s more, it is well-designed and feels incredible thanks to its veins and subtle curve. It really strokes my G-spot well and, though I will sometimes want more length and girth, the small size makes it great if you like smaller dildos and makes a wonderful change for me. If you’re a size-queen, it’s perhaps not for you, but if you love texture, silicone and quality, I really think you’re going to like it. You can buy the Tantus Throb at SexToysUK for a very reasonable price and I feel it is well worth the money. Throb, I think I love you. ♦

♦ Crush owed me. It’s a twisted sort of reasoning really, but that’s what it seemed. He owed me a spanking and though it was something he was supposed to be ‘inflicting’ on me, I felt short-changed when I didn’t get it.

When I’d asked him if we could make spanking a regular activity, he readily agreed. I wanted to be spanked every day. I’m not even sure why. Of course, there are some very obvious good reasons for it, but those reasons were always there. Now it just seemed like the want for it clicked into place.

I hadn’t wanted it before. Now I did.

Either way, you’ll hear more about it later in a post I have planned, so for now all you need to know is this: strange though it was, since Crush had agreed to spank me and hadn’t, he owed me. Twenty-one spanks, in fact.

We’d left it until late again. That’s what had stopped him from doing it yesterday. He’d just been too tired to lift his head, let alone his spanking arm, repeatedly. But I wasn’t going to let it slide this time. Two days missed was unthinkable in this early stage of our experiment. Otherwise we’d find it harder and harder to fit it, easier to ignore. It’d run out of steam. I didn’t want that.

I insisted. I told him he could make it quick and we’d get right to bed.

So he did. He really did. I’m not sure I’ve ever been spanked that harshly before. Of course, pain is fleeting. It’s one of those things that’s hard to remember, a sensation you can’t quite grasp when you’re not right in the middle of it, at least, not in its entirety. But nonetheless, I couldn’t remember anything like it. He was harsh. He hit me with ferocity, with force. I held on for dear life over his knee, head dangling off the end of the bed. I tried to count, but I lost it somewhere around ten. All I could do was hold on until it was over. It was more than I could take, but I took it and, of course, I loved it.

When we were done, he was still speaking in his dominating tone to me. He didn’t just drop it and roll over, he kept that low note in his voice, his language changed to one that hinted of roughness and retribution. I told him that for someone who had to be cajoled into it, he seemed to be keeping it up a lot longer than he needed to. He claimed he was a method actor. Bollocks to that. But the result was the same either way: a rumble in his voice and a tingle in my core.

I took my clothes off, ready for bed. I should have known boobs were a bad idea.

As I lay down, Crush leapt on my breasts, kissing and sucking my nipples, pinching hard and making me gasp and moan. He assaulted them as he had my behind. His kisses were pillages and his touch was taking.

He squeezed my breasts hard and then turned his attention to my mouth. We kissed. As he pulled away, his hand snuck down between my legs, the other grasping my throat firmly. He started to stroke my clitoris, talking about making me come and watching me moan and writhe. He knelt over me, a slight downward pressure on my throat. He felt good on my clit and I thought to myself that the only thing that would make it perfect would be if I could have his fucking hot cock in my mouth.

He is a mind reader.

Crush knelt closer and put his cockhead to my lips. I opened my mouth greedily and took as much of him as I could. Sadly, the angle meant that was only really the tip of his erection, but I was thrilled to get any of that gorgeous length. I love his cock.

As he touched me and trapped me, I sucked what I could of his cock. I rolled it around my mouth, I kissed it. I licked it, I slurped it. His fingers worked a slow magic on my clit. He’d make me come if I gave him time, but it was late and I was greedy. And I wasn’t sure. I know my clitoris so well, so I asked if I could make myself come while I sucked him.

Crush made me beg and I did.

Soon I had my fingers on my pussy and my orgasm was much more certain. The problem was to time it just right. I still had a cold, you see, so I couldn’t just suck on Crush’s cock to my heart’s content. I have to breathe too, it seems. But I wanted to make sure I had my mouth wrapped around his cock while I came, so my breathing and climax had to work just right. It took longer than it otherwise would have because of that, but soon I was orgasming to the touch of my fingertips, his hand still keeping me held by the throat and his cock firmly in my mouth as I moaned around him.

In my post-orgasmic bliss he took himself from my mouth and pulled my legs around so that he could fuck me. He slid inside me and I groaned as we began to fuck. Our bodies wriggled together in the lamplight and our moans and pants and grunts filled the air. I found myself reaching a second peak sooner than I’d expected and heard Crush’s breathing change too. We were both going to come.

And we did. We pulsed and cried out and both of us were focused on our own pleasure while at the same time being drawn closer and tighter to each other, climaxing as one unit and two distinct bodies at once.

Tiredness hit. We caressed and drew up the duvet. Sleep soon took us.

But it just goes to show, a little spanking can go a long way. ♦

He’ll just come up if it’s particularly noteworthy and I’ll try my hardest to think of some other sexy people. Gosh, that will be difficult.

I hope I don’t offend anyone. If I say I’ve got the hots for you and you’d rather I didn’t, sorry, but that’s what I think and I can hardly help it. If I don’t say it and you wish I did, don’t panic! There are so many sexy bloggers/tweeters that it’s hard to keep track. Feel free to give me a nudge in the comments. ♦

Who do you want to:

1. Play naked twister with?

Hmm, I have two choices here! One would be the members of Erotic Meet, because I bet they play a damn good game of naked Twister and a sexy one at that! Mind you, that’d be one big game of Twister!

The other would be my favourite Tantus-loving Tweeters: Epiphora, Sugarcunt, Bedroom Blogger and, of course, Tantus Jenn! I hope they don’t mind me saying that, but the truth is I have a big Tweetcrush on all of them and would dearly love to get together for Twister, tea and dildo-talk, because these guys know their sex toys. And knowing your sex toys is hot.

2. Love?

I do love Crush. I do love my dad and my sister. I do love my cat. I do love some of my friends, online or otherwise. But what I sometimes want is to love everyone. Sure, there are the minority of people out there who don’t deserve it and, sure, I probably couldn’t or wouldn’t love all of the rest, but I want to love and be able to love (not necessarily sexually or romantically) so many people. The world’d be a bit better with a bit more love.

And now I sound like a hippy. But a hippy who wants a harem.

3. Excites you beyond belief?

The lovely Lady Pandorah! Was anyone really surprised by that? She is, as I’m sure you know, my girl-crush Numero Uno. I have it quite bad. Reading her blog, seeing her photos, talking and flirting online, excitement is the thing that really comes across, that and a sensation of being mesmerised. I don’t want to scare the luscious lady away, so I shan’t gush endlessly. But I feel I could.

4. Enjoy ass play with?

Now, I know what I said above about not mentioning Crush all the damn time, but this one is Crush. I’m sure I’d do it with others (and I did it with Fractal), but the person I want to do it with above all else is Crush. I mention this because I can’t. He has no interest in it, either giving or receiving. But I think he might like it if he tried. One day, I hope he’ll be ready for that, because I want to explore every inch and molecule of my sexuality and myself with him. It’s a gift.

5. Shower with?

The gorgeous Jilly recently admitted in her answers to this week’s TMI that she has “a very secret desire to shower with Ms Blacksilk”. I have to say, I like a girl that can’t resist telling me her naughty secrets, but I do at least have one in return. Don’t tell her, but I have a rather large desire to shower with dear Jilly too. I think the mix of dirtiness and cleanliness of such a shower would be very apt and very… enticing.

6. Undress?

Let’s go for a celebrity one this time. It has to be Sasha Grey. She is beyond hot. I just cannot get enough of her and to undress her would probably cause me to die of excitement. But it’d be worth it!

Plus, she’s totally a Dungeons & Dragons player, which is extra hot.

7. Rim?

Back to the bloggers, I would pick the sexy Rose. I’m not actually entirely certain whether she’s into this sort of thing or not, but I bet it would be an awful lot of fun! It’s been a long time since I’ve rimmed anyone, boohoo! Anyway, have you seen her arse in those bath photos? Who wouldn’t want to put their face in that?! Hope you don’t mind me saying such, Rose!

8. Elope with?

Elope? Eh, can’t say I’ve every really wanted to elope. I’m not entirely decided on the whole marriage thing all together. But for the hell of it I’d probably choose between Victoria Coren, Richard Osman, Ursula Vernon, Shamus Young or some made-up person probably from an RPG. Because why not.

Bonus: Who do you want to wake up in the arms of? Why?

OK, OK, fine. You got me. This one is going to be Crush too. Not because I can’t think of anyone else I’d like to wake up in the arms of, most people on this list fall into that category, but because if I had to pick only one person to ever wake up next to again, Crush would be that person. Soppy, aren’t I?

But it’s true. Sometimes we get up at different times and miss each other waking up, but mostly I wake up an he’s there. I go to sleep and he’s there. I love that. And when I’m away from him, I miss that.

I’d spend a night without him, sure. I have done in the past and likely will again. But I’ll always look forward to coming back to him and spending the night, whether sexually or not, with him.

So there.

Welcome to e[lust], the sex blog round-up- The best posts from the hottest and smartest sex bloggers all in one place! This edition highlights topics such as libido, fake orgasms, teenage lust, voyeurism, BDSM consent and so much more. Want to be included in e[lust] #33? Start with the rules, come back in February to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ The Top Three Posts ~

Assent Matters by SherynB – Find your emotional power to recognize and say “no” to what you don’t want BEFORE you get naked and tied up and give up your actual physical power to walk away to anybody.

Forever The Night – ‘Why the hell shouldn’t I listen? This is my home, my bedroom after all’. So I do listen and I do feel myself twitch at every minute sound on the other side of that fucking wall.

Hands. Fingers. Pleasure. – This was the first time a boy’s fingers had such unfettered access to my pussy. Prior gropings under and through clothes had never been like this.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

The Fake Orgasm: You think you know, but you have no idea – I am 34 and I have faked orgasms. There ya have it. But I have never and will never qualify doing so as “I did it for him”.

~ Featured Post (Picked by Lilly) ~

Sadie Says… Awake – In the haze of my missing libido I also lost myself. I began to wonder if I remembered who the hell I was?

Kink & Fetish

Connection, Intimacy & Trust
DQ Earns a Pass from Chasity
Five Little Words
Naked and kinky in a busy sex shop
Sharp Tongues and Good Pain
Sexual violence
The Duke Story
‘Twas the Night Before Kinky
The Pink Elephant
Who I Am
Who Are You to Change Us?
Waking You

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Busy Writing
Help! My Vibrator Won’t Work
Men and Visual Stimulation
Slippery and sticky and covered in lube
The Safe Zone – Giving Yourself Permission To Screw Up in Non-Monogamy
Until Death Do Us Part

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Interview With Senior Sexuality Advocate Joan Price

Erotic Writing

21
A Read to Remember
Aurelia (A Dirty Kind Of Grace part 1)
A Fistful
banana bread
Christmas Day
Last night in Cap D’Adge
Later On In The Evening
Meat Hooks & Butcher’s Twine
Reside
Sugarbutch Star: blckndblue, The Pink Dress
she and he and me…
Surprise Orgasm
wind

Photo courtesy of Blacksilk*Welcome to Pleasurists, a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. If you like what you see and want more of it be sure to follow the RSS Feed and Twitter for updates.

Did you miss Pleasurists 162? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists 164? Be sure to read the submission guidelines and then use the submission form to submit before Sunday January 15th @ 11:59pm Pacific.

*Pleasurists just started accepting photo submissions for the art at the top of editions! For more information click here.

Want a shiny new toy? All you’ve got to do is enter.

• New Year, New Vibrator! Deadline: January 12th @ 11:59pm.
• PicoBong Contest Deadline: January 12th.
• Pop Plug Giveaway Deadline: January 22nd.
• Couples Game Giveaway! Winners choice! Deadline: January 23rd.
• Win an Icicles No. 8 Glass Toy! Deadline: January 27th.
• Dildo Giveaway! Deadline: February 1st.
• FunWares Valentine’s Giveaway Deadline: February 4th.

Editor

Scarlet Lotus

On to the reviews:

Vibrators

• LELO Lyla by Epiphora
• LELO Oden by Wynter Reign
• Jimmyjane Form 4 by Epiphora
• Lovehoney Love Bunny by Rose Rouge
• Hustler Mini Mistress Massager by Mistress Kay
• Lia Teaser 1 by N’jaila Rhee
• Close2You Triole by Tonia
• bSwish bCurious by Rose Rouge
• Ladygasm Rabbit Vibrator Plus by Key4Belle
• Silly Rabbit by Lucid Obsession
• Je Joue Uma by Blacksilk

Dildos

• Whipspider Rubberworks Jellyfish by Epiphora
• Vamp Lolita by Lucid Obsession
• NobEssence Intrigue by Mistress Kay
• Tantus Echo by Karen Blue
• Laid D.1 by Lucid Obsession
• Icicle #8 by Kitty Stryker
• Wilde G1 by Kitty Stryker

Anal Toys

• Pure Large Vibrating Plug by Rose Rouge

Sleeves, Rings, & etc.

• Perfect Marital Aid 6″ Extender by Nuts4Belle
• Tenga Eggs Stepper & Clicker by Unrepentant & The Boy
• FleshWrap by buzzvibe
• Tenga 3D Spiral by True Pleasures
• Tenga 3D Polygon by Beanpole Fiddler
• Basics Love Ring by Rose Rouge

BDSM/Fetish

• Pony Blinders by Red Vinyl Kitty
• Mr. Mega Thuddy Flogger by

But anyway, as this is somewhat of a milestone and I missed my fourth bloggiversary milestone in November, I thought I’d celebrate. Want to see what that looks like?

‘Course you do.

Yup, I thought I’d paint myself with chocolate sauce and show you the results. It was sticky. It was messy. It was hard to remember how to write a “2″ backwards. But I did it for you.

Anyone fancy helping me clean up? I could use a spare tongue! ♦

See who else is being Wanton!

Uma is a high-end rechargeable vibrator by luxury sex toy company Je Joue. It is marketed mainly as a G-spot vibrator, but also boasts that it can be used for “internal, external or G-spot pleasure whether together or solo”. It is a gently curved vibrator designed to “to match the contours of a woman’s body perfectly” and is made from a rigid body covered with smooth silicone. It is intended to be at the very top end of the sex toy market and therefore holds itself to high standards.

Uma comes packaged in a long, glossy black and white cardboard sleeve with the Je Joue logo, a product image and some multilingual blurb. Under this sleeve is a much more rigid and sturdy cardboard box which is very minimalist: a lovely matte-textured black with the logo again. The lid is easily removed to show the Uma sitting aesthetically in an indent above a compartment in the box that can be opened with a ribbon handle. This compartment contains the charger lead and a small instruction booklet. I will personally be keeping my Uma in the inner box because it has a space for the charger, is not too big for storage and it is lovely and sturdy.

Aesthetically, Uma itself is also first-rate. It looks really sexy in an understated way. It is minimalist and classy and looks sensual and unintimidating. It hasn’t got visual bells and whistles, but that isn’t the look that Je Joue are going for. Instead, Uma looks sophisticated in its simplicity. Coupled with the feel of Uma, this really does make me properly lust after the toy. It is gorgeous to stroke and, due to the quality silicone, is very smooth and silky with very little drag on the skin. The silicone makes it body-safe and the smoothness, with no mould lines whatsoever, makes it very easy to clean.

Uma is seven inches long and varies in width from around an inch in diameter at the narrow ‘bridge’ of the vibrator to about 1.5 inches at the thickest part of the head. The base is a little larger, but is unlikely to go too far inside you. As mentioned above, Uma is rechargeable, meaning no fuss with batteries, making it more eco-friendly. It recharges for about two hours of usage time in around two hours through a charging lead which magnetically attaches to Uma’s metal buttons.

This, however, is where Uma falls down. In my first-impression notes for Uma I genuinely wrote this: “OH DEAR GOD THE FUCKING BUTTONS!”

I really did. It’s really very clever that they’ve turned the buttons into a charging point, but this makes them almost unusable as actual buttons. These are the same buttons that Epiphora raged about on the Je Joue MiMi where she wrote:

Sounds brilliant, only THEY ARE FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE TO PUSH. Without fail, I always have to push the plus button more than once to turn the damn toy on, often while steadying the toy with my other hand. [...] You cannot depend on this toy to respond when you are at the brink of orgasm and want to bump into a higher setting; nor can you depend on it to turn off when you need it to, like if someone walks in on you masturbating or if your cat decides this is a great time to venture into the fireplace.

And she’s right. You can’t. There’s also a very articulate and accurate discussion of the buttons (again on MiMi, but they’re the same buttons) here at the Kinky World blog. I completely failed to turn it on on the first go and then couldn’t change the speed on the first try either. And, after all my extensive testing on this toy, I still can’t change the pattern using the middle, non-metal button with any kind of reliability. To turn the toy on, you hold down the + button for three seconds, which basically means you press down for dear life until it finally starts buzzing. It’s the same to turn it off, except with the minus button, so here’s hoping you don’t have to turn it off in a hurry.

The buttons are just really hard to press (to the point that they leave an indent in my finger) and although I’ve now got it to the point that I can press them OK when using the toy on my clitoris, using it internally is a nightmare. You can’t see them well, can’t get a decent angle and you can’t hold the Uma well enough to get the strength to push them. I have to stop what I’m doing, take Uma out, hold the slender ‘bridge’ part, press the button hard and then put it back in again. That’s just not going to work for many people and it barely works for me. This is not a toy for those with bad joints or weak hands. Don’t even start me on the IMPOSSIBLE pattern button.

What is the point of having a toy with such a pleasurable and versatile range of speeds and patterns (we’ll get to that and more pleasant lands in a moment) if you make switching between them during play nigh impossible? I’m lucky. I’m fairly straightforward in my tastes. To masturbate I generally turn a toy up to a decent speed for me and leave it there. When I’m ready I’ll bump it up to highest speed and then that’s it. Orgasm. Done. Off. If you’re someone who likes to take their time and explore a range of speeds and patterns, if you’re someone who likes to change things up during play and vary what the vibrator is doing… good luck to you. It is NOT easy.

Plus, being a toy you can insert and especially one made of silicone, chances are you’re going to want to use this toy lubed up. You’ll want a decent amount of lube, since silicone tends to ‘drink’ lube, and it’s possible the handle-area might get fairly slick. Try to avoid this like the Black Death. You think those buttons are difficult to press already? Try it when they’re slippery and so are you.

It’s a real shame that the buttons really, really suck, because they’re the one thing stopping this toy from being a vibrator superstar.

The vibrations are really good and I personally find even the first level of vibration to be very decent. Its speeds are strong and it provides a pretty deep rumble even on the lowest level, which thankfully remains rumbly even on higher speeds. The vibrations can be felt all throughout the toy, which makes it rewarding from several angles, but may irritate you if you don’t like feeling the buzz in your hands. It is also pretty quiet, especially for its level of intensity, and in our tests could not be heard through the bedroom door.

Uma has five strengths, though its booklet and a couple of online reviews claim it has seven, which you can use with any of the seven patterns, making for a total of 35 different vibration combinations. The patterns are actually fairly boring, however, one continuous vibration (default), one rising and falling scale and the rest are just pulse patterns of varying speeds and lengths. If you love pulses, this is for you. If you prefer your vibration patterns more varied and exciting, not so much.

As you can see, the little red heart (cute) on the front of the base flickers when you change modes, but does not pulse to match the pulse mode you are on. I have tested some pretty awful vibrators that do this and it’s a helpful feature, so it’s strange that Uma doesn’t incorporate it.

Uma is designed to be used internally as well as externally and to find the G-spot. I’m a bit of a novice when it comes to the G-spot, I admit, but I did find it very pleasurable internally and I was able to stimulate both the deep reaches of my vagina (which I very much like) and my G-spot. Uma’s rigidity and its very light weight makes it very easy and fun to thrust as hard as you’d like and to be precise with your movements. The vibrations obviously feel less intense internally, but are still strong enough to be felt very well inside you. It feels wonderful inside and the shape of the toy seems very suited to the body, or at least mine.

Clitorally, Uma is awesome. The notorious buttons are much easier to operate like this than internally (though still not easy) and, in terms of pleasure, it is a joy. The vibrations are wonderful and the head of the toy is shaped well for both stimulating the labia and more precise focus on the clitoris. It is wonderful to be able to stimulate my clit at a bit of a remove from it but still have the same ability to apply pressure and direct the sensations due to Uma’s rigid shape. What’s more, I love being able to close my thighs hard around the vibrations and still get precision movement by using the body of the vibe as a handle.

Uma is very versatile in that it can be used for deep penetration, on the g-spot, on the pussy lips and on the clitoris with varying levels of intensity. I even really enjoyed gently clamping my nipples and using Uma on them to produce a great sensation. It is also wonderful for using internally and then slowly pulling it out, wet with juices, onto your clitoris. In this way (as opposed to the button way), it’s usage is very flexible as you can switch from internal to external stimulation on a whim.

The versatility and quality continue in that Uma is also waterproof, meaning you can bring it to the bath and the shower and play there. Because it is so light, it will even float to the surface if you drop it. Uma works well in the water, although it is harder to use internally, I found, as you should only use water-based lubricant on silicone, which means that the lubricant you can use won’t work well in water. You will have to rely more on your own juices for lubrication.

CONCLUSION 

Uma by Je Joue is a very high-quality luxury vibrator with incredible aesthetics. It is silky smooth yet rigid and its shallow-curved shape is slim and seems to suit my body well. It is completely body-safe, made of lovely silicone, rechargeable and therefore more eco-friendly, waterproof, lightweight and very versatile in its uses. The vibrations are strong and rumbly and it does very well when used both internally and externally, whilst staying respectably quiet. It comes with a number of speeds and patterns to suit various tastes. It feels really, really good and certainly gave me strong orgasms in various ways.

There are only two things stopping me from shouting Uma’s name from the hilltops and recommending that you buy one right now: the sodding buttons and the price. The buttons really are horrible to use. They’re hard to press, even harder when the toy is inserted and all but impossible when slick with lube, they hurt your fingers, they give insufficient feedback and they just make it really darned hard to actually use and enjoy the vibrator, especially if you want to take advantage of the various speeds and patterns.

For £74.99, a substantial amount to spend on a sex toy, you expect near-perfection. Quality, yes. Luxury, yes. Long-lasting. Silicone lasts a lifetime with minimal care. You expect that the toy will not only look and feel great but that it will be well-designed and function with ease. Uma does not function with ease. I love Uma and hate its buttons. I’ll keeping this toy and I’m sure I’ll use it regularly, but would I buy it? Perhaps not, for the price. That button blunder is the only thing preventing me. If you have arthritis, weak wrists, other problems or just generally can’t be having with bullying your vibrator controls into submission, possibly give it a miss. If you think you can cope with those buttons and love the sound of the rest of this toy, you might want to splash out on this otherwise high-quality and wonderful vibrator sold by Lovehoney. ♦

We’d gone to a party, our whole house. It’s a tradition. Our friends nearby, ex-members of my geeky society, have been hosting a New Year’s party since I first came to Cardiff. It’s great. OK, it’s a little awkward since me and Fractal split up and he and the friends he managed to poison still go, but he’s fairly easy to avoid and frankly these days I don’t pay him and his unplesantness much notice. It’s just great to be around people we don’t see too often, fellow geeks, friends. That said, I’d been up early that morning and was tired. So tired that not long after midnight I was nearly asleep on my chair and feeling a little grumpy.

Maybe I was a tad jealous of the snogging pair nearby who’d just hooked up and still got to feel the thrill of the chase? Maybe I was feeling a bit of post-midnight blues? Maybe I was just dog-tired and pretty drunk? Either way, I’d had enough partying for one night and me and Crush decided to call it a year.

I thought I marred the start of the year a little with that slight bit of sulk, but luckily Crush soon put things right.

As I told you in my earlier teasing post, I’d asked Crush to put a collar on me for the party. Nothing too out-there, nothing too obviously kinky. The collar I chose is slim, pretty comfy and probably passes fairly well as a choker to those who don’t know any better. I like it, though. It was one of our few purchases at Erotica 2011 and it’s very pretty. And frankly, any collar put on me by Crush makes me feel submissive. So he collared me and I wore it happily all party.

When we got home in the wee hours, we went straight upstairs with the intention of bed. I took my clothes off, but, always one to tease and provoke where possible, left my collar on. It looked sexier, I knew, to be naked in just my collar. To be naked except for what he had put on me. And besides, I couldn’t take it off myself. He had put it there and if I took it off myself it just wouldn’t mean anything. If I could take it off myself, I could’ve done so at any time.

It was there because he had marked me with it and I was his to un-mark.

I got into bed and pulled the covers up coyly as I looked at Crush. He got up and went over to get the light.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” I hinted.
“No,” he replied.
“Are you sure?”
“Yep.”
“Aren’t you going to take this off?” I said, pointing at the collar still around my neck.
“No. You’ll have to keep it on all night.”
“Really?” I said, surprised.
“If you’re a good girl I’ll take it off you in the morning,” Crush said, turning off the main light and walking back to the bed by the light of our Triceratops lamp.

My mind might have actually boggled. It was just so unexpected! I had to check he meant it and asked several times if he did. He did. I was overwhelmed. It might sound silly, but we’d never done anything like this before and, whilst he knows I like him to collar me, he had no real idea this’d be something I’d enjoy. Heck, I had no idea either. It had never occurred to me. I loved it, instantly. It was submissive. It was sexy. Fuck, it was romantic.

Just the fact that it was something he’d decided by himself, that he’d thought I would find sexy, that he’d spontaneously decided to give me to for me to enjoy, was wonderful. He gave me this. And he’d thought of it all by himself.

It sounds a little patronising, maybe, but I know I’m the kinkier of the pair of us and the more adventurous too. Crush isn’t boring by any measure, this alone shows that, but he isn’t as into kink as I am. It’s hard to explain properly, but I’m sure you’ll get what I mean. The fact that he’d thought to engage with my kinks without any hinting or nudging from me, the fact that he’d done something he thought I’d love because he thought I’d love it and nothing more (except maybe vicarious arousal and the fact I look damn hot in a collar), was just incredibly lovely. As I say, romantic. Honestly, he nearly had me in tears.

We kissed passionately and before long Crush had worked his kisses down to my nipples. He sucked and licked and made me wriggle under his mouth before swinging his legs over my chest and straddling me.  He was high up on my chest and pressing his erection to my lips. I love this so much. I love him dangling his erection over my face and rubbing his cock and balls around my mouth, letting me lick and kiss and suck wherever I can hurriedly find opportunity. I’m a gamer, so I’m used to hearing the word “teabagging” negatively, but despite that word only really referring to the balls, it’s what I think of when he does this to me and I can’t help but see it in a positive way. It’s not a blowjob, for he doesn’t get a lot of focused lick and suck, it’s just him rubbing himself over my mouth and face and me loving every second of it.

I chase his cock like a cat after string and frantically kiss and lick at him as he rubs himself on me. Teabagging. It’s not an elegant word, but it works for me. What else should I call it?

What he called me, though, was more interesting. “You’re being a very good slave”, he said to me and, though I’d have preferred ‘slut’ in this case, I loved that too.

“What do you want?” Crush asked me, knowing I wanted to be fucked.
“You.” I said, rather too coyly given my position.
“More specifically,” He prompted, enjoying making me say it.
“I want you inside me.”

Crush moved down my body, but didn’t quite stop the teasing. Instead of my face, he now rubbed his erection over my shaved pussy lips, driving me wild with frustrated desire. He asked me, then, to beg him to be inside me. I did so, calling him Sir.

“No,” Crush said with a glint, “call me Master”.

I did, begging again for him to fuck me and he grinned. He pulled my legs up to get a better angle at my pussy and pressed his cock against my opening. Just then I remembered the amount of alcohol we’d both had and realised I’d probably need a little extra help to manage his girth inside me. I reached for my beside cabinet and grabbed the lube there, passing it to Crush who doused first his cock, then my sex with it. He pressed at my opening again and I felt myself open up to him, felt his cock split me and his hardness begin to penetrate me.

I groaned as he eased himself inside and thought about calling out for mercy as he made his first few strokes. They were eager and his size was too much for that eagerness at that moment. But I thought better of it. I was his slave, he was my Master. If it hurt a little for me, so much the better. I wouldn’t dull his pleasure with my few little aches and moans.

It wasn’t long before I adjusted to the strength and penetration of his thrusts and all they were to me was pleasure. Pleasure and love. He fucked me hard and fast and unrelentingly, pinning me down by the neck using his forearm, leaning onto my throat as he pounded me. He called me slave. He told me I was good. He pinned me by the neck and fucked my pussy as if he would bloody well show me what the new year had in store for me. And I hope it does, oh, I hope it does.

Soon we were spent and his juices were seeping out of my pussy, mingled with my own and with lube. I wore the collar still. I gasped for a proper breath after his arm and my climax had taken mine from me. When we finally went to sleep, I still wore the collar. I’d been good, but I had to be good until morning before he’d take it from me. We slept the cosy sleep of the drunk and the fucked.

It was a good start to the year. ♦

I began to think more and more of getting back into the blog and exactly one year after my last post of 2010, I did so. And I haven’t quit yet. My first real back-to-blogging post was a lovely bit of gender-fuckery with my packing cock. The blog has, at least in my eyes, gone from strength to strength since then. I hope you’ll agree. I wrote about Disney and how they made my childhood kinky before I even knew it (and I still have to write the rest). I wrote, not long before Steve Jobs died actually, a rant about censorship on Apple products and the freedom to access adult content. I wrote perhaps my sexiest post of the year about my shower masturbation session.

Crush hit the switch and made me turn dominant,  but later collared me for my trouble. You saw him naked for the first time too, which seemed to go down well. And we can’t possibly, possibly forget the time Crush lost at strip-Quarriors (a geek card game) and proceeding to give me a full-on, dinosaur-pastie-wearing, sizzling striptease. Actually, that still might well be my Moment of 2011. Just wow. I won’t fill this post up with sentiment and sop, but what a wonder he’s been the last year.

I’ve taken more filthy photos than ever this year, everything on this page from From the Archives to Birthday Bronze, and I’ve been incredibly proud about doing it. I’ve lost well over a stone this year (even including the fattening Christmas period), so go me! But even without I’ve learned to be more accepting of my size and my various wibbly bits. And you’ve all been wonderful encouragement, so thank you.

I’ve shared two sexy drawings with you, Tied Tomboy and the recent Dirty Debutante and I’ve started getting into writing erotic fiction. My first real piece was King of Hearts, a teaser tale of lesbian lusts, and A Read to Remember soon followed, a story of sex among the books and boxes in an old attic. Fiction is tough, but I’m definitely going to keep it up and I’ve already got a few things in the mix for 2012.

I’ve gotten back into sex toy reviews this year too, reviewing several different toys and one book for both Sex Toys UK and Lovehoney. It’s been a pleasure every time. More importantly, my reviews have really improved and I kinda dread looking back at the few I did in the past. These days I have a much better knowledge of materials, uses, cleaning, storage, everything! And I’m not afraid to rant when something is dangerous or just awful. I also started submitting reviews to Pleasurists and became a Certified Real Sex Toy Reviewer with Real Sex Toy Reviews.

Community-wise, the last year has been huge for me too. I participated for the first time in e[lust] (where I eventually made the Top Three!), Wanton Wednesday and Sinful Sunday and I’ve really enjoyed it every single time. The feel of community in each is wonderful and I’d really like to thank both Lilly and Molly for making them possible. I went to Erotica and saw some wonderful cabaret, I stole Yummy‘s wonderful idea and had some very gorgeous people send me sexy photos for my birthday and I was ecstatic to manage to get back into the Top 100 Sex Bloggers list after only six months of being back at blogging. I made a very respectable 73rd place, given my absence.

I also made some lovely blog-friends and grew closer to other ones. There’s too many of you to mention you all here, but if you’re reading this far the chances are good that you’re one of them. And if not, then you should check out my blogroll in the sidebar where you can find a lot of them (but not all of them, do need to update that!) wallowing. To all my new and old blog-friends, thank you very much for a wonderful year of blogging and tweeting and I hope to get to know you all better (and maybe meet some of you!) soon.

2011 hasn’t been perfect, of course, and there have been big downs as well as big ups, but that’s life. I’d rather a rollercoaster than the doldrums. All in all, for Blacksilk and her Boudoir it has been a pretty productive and pretty wonderful year. Here’s to you all for reading, commenting and chatting, to Crush for loving me and to 2012 for being a wonderful year to come! ♦