♦ Next week I’m taking what feels like a pretty big step in something that’s been simmering for a while but only recently started to come to the boil. And, unsurprisingly, the fact that I now feel happy to let it do so is thanks to (or [if it all goes, ironically, tits up] the fault of) Fractal.
I had a very odd dream once, a while back now, in which I was molesting a tiny naked Barbie doll. Disturbing. Luckily any further thoughts involving naked women (if you can call Ms. Placky-pneumato-boobs that in the first place) since then have been much less bizarre. And a deal more frequent.
.
It’s been, until the great Fractal Era, a bit of a dark secret really. Though it shouldn’t have been. I was afraid of fancying women instead of men, it never really occured to me that I could do both. Let me get one thing clear here, I love men. I have one. I love men and I love the cock. I’d never consider choosing to be with a woman over a man. I don’t find women more sexually attractive than men either. For a start, I think women and men are too physically different to really compare.
But nonetheless, maybe a year and half ago, I’d look a pictures of women sometimes when I touched myself. And then I’d feel horribly guilty (though admittedly by this point I think I was still having some guilt over touching myself at all. This now seems strange to me).
And then Fractal came along. And he showed me that sex really was as acceptable (and fantastic) as I’d hoped it would be and not at all as shameful as I’d feared. He showed me it’s okay to like sex. Not only okay, but wonderful. Touching myself was okay, fantasies were okay.
But I still didn’t let on about the women thing. Because I was still hung up about that. He’d joke about my screenscaver, which just flicked randomly through the pictures on my computer, and point out how many of the deviantART pictures were rather skimpily dressed women.
.
It turned out though that I wasn’t quite the only one hiding something. In the best tradition of ‘haha, only serious’ Fractal had started to make a few jokes about me and lesbian sex and then would adamantly point out that he was just kidding. He wasn’t one of those blokes who liked that. Honest.
And somewhere among all this, and all the experimenting and learning we sort of confessed to each other that I quite liked the thought of having sex with a woman and he quite liked the thought of a woman having sex with me :)
So recently I’ve been having a think. And he wrote our first fantasy diary entry involving another woman. And I started allowing myself to get naked lady pictures off of the Great Interweb. A few months ago I changed my Facebook profile to read ‘Interested in: Men and Women’ (As far as I can tell no-one has actually noticed, but fuck it, that’s their problem, I’m not hiding anything if I’ve got it on Facebook. It’s Facebook.)
And more recently I joined a website recommended to me by a male friend (it came up in conversation that we both liked ladies arses muchly) for women looking for other women. A dating website sort of. Like a gay…well, Facebook.
Obviously I have an extremely wonderful loving romantic relationship with Fractal. I don’t want another relationship. I want to make it extremely clear that I am *not* a polyamorist. I don’t even understand them. As far as Fractal is concerned as long as I *love* only him, I can have sex with other people. If I ask him nicely.
.
It may sound strange, but I don’t actually want sex with other people. Just another woman. I want to try it. I want to know if it is something I would actually enjoy, not just an idle fantasy. I’m basically in it for the boobs.
So next week I have a rendez-vous, with a girl. Which seems to be well on course for leading to the kind of rendez-vous which you say even more Frenchly and with one raised eyebrow. This is quite a step for me. I’ve had no experience with women. Luckily I get a head-start by being one, so I at least have some idea of what feels nice. And I’m terribly shy and awkard around new people, hell, even familiar people sometimes.
I guess it’s a risk, because it may turn out that it’s something I don’t actually like in reality, just as a fantasy. But as Fractal tells me (not altogether altruistically he admits, but enough for it to be true ;) ) if I don’t try it I will never know. That part of me will always be unknown to myself.
Also boobs.
So wish me luck ;) ♦
♦ I hope I’ve explained all this well enough, there’s so many little things that got me to this point, even now so many niggles and questions and am I doing the right thing (it feels slightly slightly like adultery still even though Fractal tells me it isn’t, and if he doesn’t think it is then surely that’s what counts). If I’ve just confused you all, I apologise. As always, but moreso with this post, I’m open to questions :) ♦
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February 24, 2008 at 2:35 am
Facebook » A Brave New World
[...] Blacksilk’s Boudoir wrote an interesting post today on A Brave New WorldHere’s a quick excerptA few months ago I changed my Facebook profile to read ‘Interested in: Men and Women’&…And more recently I joined a website recommended to me by a male friend (it came up in conversation that we both liked ladies arses muchly) for women looking for other women. A dating website sort of. Like a gay…well, Facebook…. … not hiding anything if I’ve got it on Facebook. It’s Facebook…. [...]
February 24, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Tom Allen
Interestingly, I enjoy women’s arses, too. Truth be told, I, myself, think often of having sex with women. But not just for the boobs.
Good luck with this ;-)
February 24, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Blacksilk
@ Tom: Shocking truths, these, Tom! I always knew you were keeping something from us :P
And thanks :)
February 24, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Innocent Loverboy
Oh, my.
This is where I differ from Fractal… I was perfectly happy in a relationship where she was bisexual, and I still would be.* But, as I wrote in a blog post some time back (on my personal blog, this is well before ILB), I was chatting to one of my bisexual female friends, whose boyfriend said he’d be happy for her to experiment with another girl.
I don’t think sexuality matters,* so I took the opposite view; as far as I’m concerned, if you have sex with someone else, you’re being unfaithful. That’s what I’d think anyway. I understand Fractal’s reasoning, if he likes the idea – and I understand people who are polyamorous, and swingers as well (although it’s a totally different kettle of fish, I guess). But it doesn’t work for me.
I admire you, however, for stating plainly that you don’t want sex with other people; you just want to experiment with a woman. For some reason (and I’m not one of those boys that gets off on lesbian porn, either…) my mind finds that more acceptable. If you were gonna do it because you wanted to sleep with non-Fractals, I’d feel rather put out reading this.
In short – tell us how it went. :p
[[* Most girls I know are bisexual. Most boys probably are too (although I've never even thought about doing anything with boys whatsoever at any points, beyond kissing a mate on a cheek or something), but girls seem more... I don't know... either "open" or "inclined" about it. I don't think I'm that familiar with many girls who consider themselves totally straight. Maybe it's because girls are pretty, or something. Well, I think they're pretty.]]
February 24, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Blacksilk
@ ILB: “I don’t think sexuality matters,* so I took the opposite view; as far as I’m concerned, if you have sex with someone else, you’re being unfaithful. I understand Fractal’s reasoning, if he likes the idea – and I understand people who are polyamorous, and swingers as well (although it’s a totally different kettle of fish, I guess). But it doesn’t work for me.”
I think I’d view it the same way you do if it weren’t for Fractal. He doesn’t really connect sex and love as strongly as a lot of people do, he’s incredibly rational. For him, as long as I never love anyone but him (romantically, that is) I am being faithful.
“I admire you, however, for stating plainly that you don’t want sex with other people; you just want to experiment with a woman. For some reason (and I’m not one of those boys that gets off on lesbian porn, either…) my mind finds that more acceptable. If you were gonna do it because you wanted to sleep with non-Fractals, I’d feel rather put out reading this.”
In fact its one of my doubts about this, really. I like that Fractal is the only person I’ve had sex with. It’s kind of nice. *But* there’s a side of me that I’d like to explore, Fractal thinks it’ll be good for me to do so, and I trust him. I know he’s not just saying it to get a hot bisexual girlfriend :P
I’m happy with Fractal. As far as I see it no-one could be better in bed, for me, than him. If I end up having sex with a girl, it won’t be the same. It won’t be better. There’ll be no connection like Fractal and I have. No love. And I do think love is important in sex. Not necessary, but important. I *know* I won’t prefer it, but just maybe I’ll *like* it.
“In short – tell us how it went. :p”
Will do :)
February 24, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Fractal
ILB:
“[I] took the opposite view; as far as I’m concerned, if you have sex with someone else, you’re being unfaithful. That’s what I’d think anyway. I understand Fractal’s reasoning, if he likes the idea – and I understand people who are polyamorous, and swingers as [well.]”
Actually, I agree with the idea that sexuality doesn’t matter, it is not that I like her the idea of her having sex with other women, but not other men. Personally, I find that acceptable as well.
However, I am interested in your claim about faithfulness. Before I address that, I should state that I am not a moral relativist, so my line of defence wouldn’t be that your claims about faithfulness cannot have objective validity. Secondly, I should also point out that I’m uncertain as to the intention behind such a claim. Were you stating that you wouldn’t personally allow it (in which case, what I say next will not affect your claim) or were you claiming that a certain ideal of faithfulness is an objective standard by which all relationships are judged, regardless of the views and choices of those concerned?
Not that the last part is an invalid move to make and there certainly have been those who’ve made it. Amongst secular ethical theories, one finds individuals like Roger Scruton. Of course, this position is more commonly found amongst religious traditions.
Having said that, most religious ethical theories that arose from the great religious traditions would have a possibly more noted problem with bisexuality. Certainly, some religious believers take more liberal views on the subject, but have the resultant problems that appear in liberal Christianity, for example, that their beliefs are often radically at odds with vast parts of scripture.
That aside, even within the liberal tradition, casual sex is something that has never been seriously defended in theological or ethical debate. So this provides a second basis for the claim you might be making.
I’ll assume your theory of faithfulness here, if it is objective, is probably based on either something akin to Scruton (his own views on homosexuality aside) or a liberal religious tradition (the problem with the latter is it is backed by a vast set of metaphysical commitments, such as at least one god or supernatural transcendent entity existing, which must be defended first).
So really, I’d be interested to hear what sort of grounds, assuming I haven’t misinterpreted you, you would put forward for an objective standard of faithfulness. I am, of course, going to disagree since I believe that such a thing is represented in a kind of contractarian aspect of a relationship such that it is like “terms and conditions” that are mutually agreed upon by the individuals.
There is part of your comment that made me further conclude your standards of faithfulness might be objective when you wrote:
“If you were gonna do it because you wanted to sleep with non-Fractals, I’d feel rather put out reading this.”
This seems to pre-suppose objective standards. Let’s assume that Blacksilk was interested in sleeping with other people. Let’s assume that we both (Blacksilk and I) share my views on open relationships (which, if she said that, would be implied) then I can’t see anything to be put off by since there would be no breach of the implicit contractarian aspect of the relationship and therefore no immoral is going on. The best another could say here in opposition would be that they wouldn’t agree to such conditions in relationship, but there’s still nothing to be put off by since no one here would be imposing those relationship conditions on others.
February 24, 2008 at 4:43 pm
Blacksilk
@ Fractal:
Hey love! *waves*
“Actually, I agree with the idea that sexuality doesn’t matter, it is not that I like her the idea of her having sex with other women, but not other men. Personally, I find that acceptable as well.”
But I already have a man with a cock, why would I need another? :P
Anyway, thank you for raising the tone of my blog, maybe it’ll rate as being above a high-school reading level now that you’ve put the word contractarian in it :)
February 24, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Fractal
“I know he’s not just saying it to get a hot bisexual girlfriend :P”
I’m not? I mean.. um.. Yes, it’s not, it’s for the greater Good.
:P
February 24, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Blacksilk
From Livejournal:
“You might have a bit of trouble finding someone. I know a lot of lesbians that have been burned by women with guys who are looking to experiment with sex.
Not that you shouldn’t do this, far from it, but try not to get discouraged if you don’t find someone right away.
Zenten”
February 24, 2008 at 4:58 pm
Blacksilk
@ Zenten:
I’m not sure if you’ve actually read my blog post properly, but I’ve already found someone. Two people at least actually. But one at a time, eh? :)
The world is full enough of people who want no-strings sex. And, when you’re pretty good-looking, intelligent and very sexually open and kinky, that’s enough in most cases to override the fact that you’ve not got much lady-experience.
I’m not doing this because I have a man who wants me to. I’m doing this because I want to and he’s okay with it.
Thanks for your support though.
February 24, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Innocent Loverboy
OK, well, there are a couple of ways I approach my views on faithfulness:
First of all, I am a liberal Christian. But sex is not one of the things I agree with traditional Christian doctrines on. In other words, I don’t have any issues with bisexuality, homosexuality or sex before marriage. I also don’t have an issue with promiscuity as long as the promiscuous person isn’t in a relationship.
In answer to your [Fractal]’s questions/comment: no, I wouldn’t personally allow it. As I said, I can see that you have reasoning (Blacksilk made it very clear in her post), but [i]I[/i] wouldn’t – well, perhaps ‘allow’ isn’t a reasonable word, as it seems to imply that a boy can stop a girl from sleeping with another person (I tried to stop her, and it didn’t work…). I’m me, and it most definitely wouldn’t work for me, whatsoever.
My reasoning isn’t exactly based on somebody akin to Scruton because it isn’t as objective as you think it is. The only thing I have a problem with is the concept – because I can’t reason it, I can’t see why others can reason it (although I understand that people have).
The view I take is: If you are in a relationship with someone, they should be the only person you have sex with.
It’s not everyone’s view. I guess that a factor to take into account is that I’ve been very badly hurt in the past by a relationship in which she was doing just that – repeatedly – and therefore that has had to shape my views on it.
If that makes any sense.
Summary: My view isn’t objective. But if it were, on the whole, I agree with you in that I’d need some sort of reasoning. But as it isn’t, I don’t. Your relationship, not mine. ^_^
But if you weren’t to be OK with it, I’d like to think you’d make that clear and Blacksilk wouldn’t do anything. I’m sure that would be the case, but after my experiences, I can never be too sure.
February 24, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Blacksilk
@ ILB:
“The view I take is: If you are in a relationship with someone, they should be the only person you have sex with.”
I thought that too originally, and in a way I still do, just not rigidly. The way I see it if you’re in a relationship where either party beleives that sex with others is adultery then you shouldn’t do it. The problem there however is not that sex outside a relationship is bad but that hurting and betraying your partner is bad.
“But if you weren’t to be OK with it, I’d like to think you’d make that clear and Blacksilk wouldn’t do anything. I’m sure that would be the case, but after my experiences, I can never be too sure.”
It’s sad that you’ve been hurt like this in the past. It’s happened to me too, though I doubt quite as severely as with you. It does make you very suspicious, very wary.
Given that my views before my relationship with Fractal were more similar to yours and that he changed those I think its safe to say Fractal would make it clear if he didn’t want something to happen. He’s very straightforward. And I would never ever go against that.
He always has the right to say no.
I never want to hurt him, he’s everything. And it hurts me too when occasionally I do, because no relationship can protect people entirely from hurting each other in a few small ways now and then.
That’s about as much reassurance as I can give :)
February 24, 2008 at 6:28 pm
Blacksilk and her Boudoir « Blacksilk’s Boudoir
[...] though I have discovered I’ve a tendency to prefer submission. I have also slowly been allowing my bisexuality to surface to the point where I can now admit to myself, and probably to others if questioned: yes, [...]
February 25, 2008 at 1:39 pm
ladypandora
I have mixed feelings about the whole thing from my personal POV. I am thoroughly chuffed that you’re able to explore this side to your personality and sexuality, BS, I really am, and the fact that Fractal is being so supportive shows that he is a shining star of a guy for you!
Like you, Mister is the only guy I’ve had sex with, and that is how I’d quite happily let it stay. But there are times when I think to myself, ‘What *would* it be like with another person?’ – and not necessarily a guy.
Guys on the whole tend to freak me out and I have trouble generally communicating with them (my whole problem really, growing up in a terrible female dominated household where my dad pretty much had to defer/put up with my mother’s complete ‘matriarch’ role) . But anyway, I digress too easily. I don’t think I would mind being with Mister for the rest of my days, in fact I’m overjoyed at the thought of the fact, but times occur when the thought creeps up on me about girlies…
I guess if we needed to, I’d be considered bi-curious. I am always finding women more attractive than the majority of men, and there are moments when I think to myself what it would be like to…I don’t know, kiss, fondle, or even the whole thing, sleep with another woman. But I know Mister wouldn’t like the idea of me being with someone else. He’s said as much – even from the point of view of him being a guy and maybe he’d like to see me with another girl, but no. Such a gentleman.
So, Blacksilk, I wish you all the very very best in this, I hope it is a good experience for you and you have my support in it as well – and maybe a tiny bit of envy!
February 25, 2008 at 1:41 pm
ladypandora
lol, meant to say terriblY female dominated…. -> makes my childhood sound like some tyrannical upbringing!
Oh the horrors of typing quickly when a subject grabs you.
February 25, 2008 at 1:43 pm
ladypandora
(oh, and Aldous Huxley – book title taken from the Tempest – Miranda’s speech – btw mwhahaha – have we started a literary contest?)
February 25, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Blacksilk
@ LadyP:
“I have mixed feelings about the whole thing from my personal POV. I am thoroughly chuffed that you’re able to explore this side to your personality and sexuality, BS, I really am, and the fact that Fractal is being so supportive shows that he is a shining star of a guy for you!”
Frankly I amaze myself sometimes, you might not believe it from this blog, particularly this post, but I’m a shy old thing. Just over a year ago I would never have been happy to think of sex, nor would I have dreamed of having near on two large bags of sexy underwear, stockings and kinky toys, nor would I have thought I’d ever have a sex blog, etc., etc.
So the fact that I’m about to go and have casual sex (which I’d never have believed) with a woman (which I’d never have believed) is really quite something.
And Fractal amazes me even more with just how good for me he is, what a wholly wonderful person he is, how supportive he is.
“Like you, Mister is the only guy I’ve had sex with, and that is how I’d quite happily let it stay. But there are times when I think to myself, ‘What *would* it be like with another person?’ – and not necessarily a guy. ”
The odd thing is I’ve never cared even a jot about what it would be like to have sex with another man. And I’m sure that if I’d done things with a woman before meeting Fractal I would now no longer care about that either. It’s sort of hard to explain.
“I don’t think I would mind being with Mister for the rest of my days, in fact I’m overjoyed at the thought of the fact, but times occur when the thought creeps up on me about girlies…”
I’d certainly never want to be with anyone other than Fractal. He’s a wonder. It may sound cruel or weird but this affects our relationship no more than ordering a pizza or something. A pizza that is a person. I’m not saying I’m going to treat this girl as a commodity, she has feelings and so on, what I mean is that it affects in no way how I feel about Fractal romantically, physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually, and so on.
“But I know Mister wouldn’t like the idea of me being with someone else. He’s said as much – even from the point of view of him being a guy and maybe he’d like to see me with another girl, but no.”
I guess this is what me and Fractal are saying, there’s only really a problem with open relationship style sex if someone in the relationship doesn’t want it. That’s perfectly okay. Fractal has the idea that in a relationship the partner with the most odd/unconventional/extreme views should be the one to compromise, to conform with the more ‘normal’ one. And that makes good sense to me.
“So, Blacksilk, I wish you all the very very best in this, I hope it is a good experience for you and you have my support in it as well – and maybe a tiny bit of envy!”
Thanks for the support, I know this isn’t something easy to get one’s head around, I was worried I’d alienate people, especially yourself and ILB, with it. So I’m glad you’re not put off me just yet :)
P.S. Not a competition, no. I think you’d win :P
February 25, 2008 at 7:55 pm
ladypandora
I would x
February 29, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Success! « Blacksilk’s Boudoir
[...] Smoke to visit Fractal for the weekend but I thought before I went I should let you all know that my little bisexual experiment was indeed a [...]
March 4, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Popping my Girl-Cherry « Blacksilk’s Boudoir
[...] first time, girl, girl-on-girl, lesbian, Sex, virginity ♦ By now most of you will know about my daring little bit of self-exploration that I undertook last week, and you’ll also know, albeit somewhat briefly, that it was a case [...]
March 13, 2008 at 7:01 pm
lacestockings
Where is this website?! The gay facebook I mean….it seems like some mystical land…
March 13, 2008 at 7:13 pm
Blacksilk
Well, its not *really* a gay facebook, it’s just sort of like that. Why, are you tempted to register? :P
March 13, 2008 at 11:56 pm
lacestockings
I am very tempted actually, if not just to see what it’s like :D
March 14, 2008 at 12:00 am
Blacksilk
Tis called gaydar girls.
March 14, 2008 at 10:15 am
lacestockings
Excellent! Thank you :)
March 14, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Blacksilk
No problem :)
March 26, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Anonymous
Jesus, I thought I was alone. I always have dreams of having sex with women in the most bizarre places and in the most rampant ways. This blog has made my clitoris pound. I have a man too, but I could never share my lust with him, or with anybody else who knew me properly.
March 26, 2008 at 8:52 pm
tittania
shit that was me ^ never realised you could leave your name. what a twat.
March 27, 2008 at 12:23 am
Blacksilk
@ tittania: I’m glad you like the blog that much! ;)
Sorry to hear you can’t share things with your man though, is it just these fantasies that you keep so secret?